Don't Fear The Manicure.

NOW! LOOK! LOOK NOW! BEST THING EVER BELOW! LOOK NOW! YES! YOU LOOK!

Via The Mep Report:



NOTHING MORE NEED SAY ABOUT HANGNAIL! GIVE US MONEY BACK! BUY US BAR MITZVAH AGE SABERMETRICS GENIUS!

Old Age and Pavano Lose To Youth And Skill Every Time.

OK.

OK. BREATHE.

STORY OF UNIVERSE CENTURY LIFE IN THIS MONTH'S GQ. 13 YEAR OLD BILLY BEANE WANNABE MANAGING MINOR LEAGUE TEAM/SHITSHOW SOMEWHERE IN ARIZONA. NOT JOKE. REAL.

HEADLINE:

THE BOY OF SUMMER
You keep hearing how general managers in baseball are getting younger and younger. But you won’t believe how young until you meet Jake Lloyd of the Ash Fork Miners. He’s brilliant, he’s ambitious, and he’s revolutionizing America’s pastime. Did we mention he’s 13? - Jason Gay, GQ, June 2007.

OK. FUCK. OK. I CAN DEAL. WHAT HAS THIS DO WITH PAVANO, ASK?

"As we sit, a tall, gray-haired man starts walking toward us.."

NOT GOING TO KILL THEM. TOO BAD.

I know who you are,” Jake says. “Whatever you want to tell me, you can tell these guys. They’re cool.”

“Well, we’re prepared to make you an offer,” the man says. “We’d like you to come run our Staten Island team next year.”

“Single-A?” Jake rolls his eyes. “Maybe if I was, like, 11. I think I can handle a little bit more than that.”

“Tampa thought you’d say that. All right, how about the double-A club, up in Trenton?”

I’m not sure I believe what I’m hearing—a man in his seventies negotiating with a 13-year-old over running a team in the Yankees farm system.

NOT SURE WHERE TO DIRECT HATRED ANGRY ARGH FOR THIS. WILL FIGURE OUT, MAKE BLOG, MAKE HATE.

“Is that the best you can do?” Jake says. “I’m sure I can call John Henry and Theo and they’ll be happy to make room for me up in Pawtucket. Or hell, I’ll go work for free as a summer intern up in Boston. Help get them A-Rod next summer.”

“Or Mussina,” says Tyler the Intern.

“What do you want, Jake, the Bronx?” the man says. “Steinbrenner’s not that crazy.”

SMART NO FUCK AROUND KID. THIS WHY BOSTON HAS BULLPEN, YANKEES HAVE BULLCOCKSHIT. BUT GETS GOOD HERE! HERE! LOOK! LOOK AT THIS!

Jake grins. “Oh yeah? He gave $40 million to Carl Pavano. Go tell George I’m flattered by his interest. But I got high school next year.”

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! BOY SCOUT BEANE KNOWS THAN MORE WOULD ALREADY HAVE CANNED PAVANO AND HAD BY BALLS! $40 MILLION GO COULD TO THIS KID! KID SHOW UP TO WORK AND SCHOOL! PAVANO NOT SHOW UP AT ALL! FUCK YOUUUU PAVANO SAYS BOY SCOUT! BOY SCOUT KNOWS!

I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender. I could've been somebody, instead of a Carl Pavano, which is what I am.

PAVANO RIPOFF BIGGEST IN ALL OF HISTORY OF BASEBALL. Hot Carl Ain't Cool WILL MAGNUM P.I. SHIT TO PROVE POINT. IRAQ WAR END. DINOSAURS COME BACK. BROOKLYN WILL FINALLY BE TOTALLY GENTRIFIED, NOBODY COMPLAIN. NEW YORK WILL EXPLODE. SIMPSONS GO OFF THE AIR. HUMANITY END. PAVANO WILL STILL SUCK. PAVANO STILL BE INJURED. PAVANO STILL LIVING OFF OF REDICULOUS CASH MONEY. FUCK PAVANO IN PAVANO'S GIRLY GOOCH WITH NOT MY BAT!

FROM PLACE WHERE STEPHEN A. SMITH - SUCKS AT LIFE - PAID BY:

Pavano hasn't pitched since April 9 and has made only 19 appearances for the Yankees since signing a four-year, $39.95 million contract before the 2005 season.

THINGS Hot Carl Ain't Cool COULD MAKE MONEY DO WITH:

1. NICE BUY HOUSE FOR SAD CHILDREN ARE ILLEGITIMATE PAVANOS. SET ON FIRE..

2. CREATE MACHINE OF TIME, TRAVEL BACK TO TIME WHEN PAVANO NOT BASEBALL PLAYER. SIT THERE.

3. BUY FIELD OF MARIJUANA.

FUCKING PAVANO WASTEFUL! AL GORE ASHAMED! FUCK YOU PAVANO!

I Hate You, Carl Pavano.

MISSION STATEMENT: PAVANO YANKEES BYE-BYE TO BACK BUSH-LEAGUE.

PAVANO IS GIANT LABIA. PAVANO NEEDS BAND-AID. PAVANO NEEDS MOMMY. PAVANO NEEDS DIAPER CHANGE. PAVANO IS TO BASEBALL WHAT HERPES IS TO GENETALIA. SPREAD OF PAVANO MUST BE STOPPED.